The Eggshell War

[Palustris]

The Eggshell War

Chapter One

An Unfortunate Beginning.

            It began on a Tuesday. 10.05 in the morning to be precise. The exact time is known because Mrs. Overboylanbern had just gently dropped the Queen’s breakfast egg into a pan of boiling water. Queen Rawtensmellunterernos liked her egg boiled for precisely three minutes, not a second more, not a second less. The cook glanced at the kitchen clock, which was the most accurate clock in the kingdom and always correct.

King Shilee Retyrink was in the garden practising his archery. This was his favourite sport. He had eaten his breakfast at the more normal time of 8 o’clock. The couple of hours between his rising and his wife’s were the only peaceful ones of the day.

Eet Humplepie, the king’s footman, was stood in his usual place, just behind the target. King Shilee had only one more arrow to fire. It was Eet’s job to collect up the arrows when the king had finished.

You might think that standing behind the target was rather a silly thing to do and so it would have been with a normal bowman. However, it was the second safest place to be when King Shilee was shooting. In front of the target was safer still, but Eet was far too polite to even seem to suggest that the king was not a good archer.

The garden sparrows, blackbirds and starlings had long since learned that the best place to be was sat on top of the target. The cheeky robin usually perched himself on the king's crown. Shilee always had an audience of birds waiting until he had finished so that they could fly around the garden in safety once again.

This Tuesday was different. This Tuesday was about to become a National Disaster. Shilee notched his last arrow, pulled back the string, took careful aim, saw it happen and gasped in horror.

"Oh, I say, look at that!"

He closed his eyes and let go. The arrow sped fast and almost true, right over the top of the target between a sparrow and a blackbird. It gave Eet’s hair the neatest centre parting that you have ever seen. The birds did not wait to see what had happened, they flew.

"Thank-you, sire," said the footman politely. "I have always wanted....Oh dear." He too had seen it.

King Shilee opened his eyes and looked again. Then he closed them again. "Tell me it is not true." He commanded.

Eet bowed and said. "It is not true sire."

"Thank heavens," said the King and looked again. "Aaaah, it is true."

"I am afraid so, your Majesty," agreed Eet sadly.

"The Queen is going to be absolutely fuming. Oh dear! Oh dear! What am I going to say to her?" The king was in a bit of a panic.

Eet did not answer, it was not his place to give the king advice. Personally, he would have gone and hidden, rather than face the Queen’s bad temper.

Meanwhile, Queen Rawtensmellunterernos, or Queen Rawty, as she was known, but only behind her back, was lying in bed awaiting her breakfast. The curtains were still closed. She considered that the early morning sun was bad for her delicate skin. Her maid, Blonden Busty would open the curtains when she brought the Queen’s breakfast.

At 10.09 precisely, Blonden knocked the door, opened it, came into the room, placed the tray on the bedside cabinet, went to the windows and drew back the curtains. The Queen liked to enjoy her favourite view with her breakfast. Blonden did not look out of the window, she was too nervous.

Queen Rawty did not look out of the window either, not straight away. She was busy examining her egg, to see if any little bits of eggshell had fallen into the yolk. This was something that had happened with her last six breakfast eggs.

The Court Magician, Sir Lite Ovand, had been ordered to find a spell that would neatly and cleanly remove the top of the egg. He had tried every morning since, without success.

This morning, as usual, there was a piece of eggshell floating in the yolk. That was the reason for Blonden’s nervousness. She was the one who suffered most from the Queen’s royal rage.

Queen Rawty took a deep breath ready to bawl and scream her anger. As she did her gaze rested on the view through the window. Her eyes widened with horror, her face went as white as the sheets on her bed and she fainted.

Blonden stood and stared at her mistress. She had expected a right royal row over the egg, but not a faint. Everyone knows it is impossible to faint when you are already lying down. She turned to the Queens dressing table to get the Queen’s smelling salts. She too looked out of the window, gasped, threw her hands in the air and fled screaming. She completely forgot about the Queen who lay groaning in her bed.

Mrs. Overboylanbern was tidying up in the kitchen and waiting for the Queen to send for her to complain, when Blonden burst in, weeping and wailing. At first the cook thought that the maid was even more upset than usual by the Queen, but the girl only shook her head and moaned,

"Outside, outside!"

The stout cook sternly sat the wildly sobbing maid on a stool and marched outside carrying her largest rolling pin. Nobody was going to upset her staff like that, except perhaps herself.
As soon as she was outside the kitchen door, she too stopped in horror. She dropped her rolling pin, flung her apron over her face to hide the horrible sight and fled.

This was not a sensible thing to do as she could not see where she was going. As you would expect she ran straight into someone. Actually, it was more than one, it was three to be exact. The three persons so rudely barged into were, the Prime Minister, the Right Honourable Stabemin De Bak, the Lord Chancellor, Lord Taxem Allard and the Home Secretary, the Right Honourable Floggem Anangem. They were hurrying to the Palace to inform the king of the disaster that had overtaken the kingdom.

The three distinguished gentlemen and the cook finished up in an untidy pile at the front door of the Palace. The National Disaster though, was far too important to spend any time lying on the floor arguing about who was to blame Top hats were picked up, knees dusted and ties straightened. Mrs. Overboylanbern did not put on her top hat, or straighten her tie, she did not normally wear them. She certainly did not dust her knees as that would have been most unladylike. No disaster was bad enough to make her forget that she was a lady. She just sat on the steps and wept into her apron.

The three Cabinet Ministers entered the Palace and walked along the corridors to the Throne Room. In spite of the seriousness of the situation, they were far too dignified to run. King Shilee was already there, slumped on the throne, head in hands. Eet stood behind the throne staring at the floor. Just looking at him you could see that he was wishing he was somewhere else.

The Prime Minister, as befitted his rank, entered the room first. He bowed low and spoke in a grave voice. "Sire, A National Disaster has occurred."

The unhappy king groaned and shrank further into the cushions of the throne.

The Prime Minister went on." I have not yet discovered which of my Cabinet is responsible for this foul deed, but when I do you may rest assured that he will be sacked immediately."

The King groaned.

The Chancellor, not to be outdone by the P.M., stepped forward. "It is going to cost a great deal of money to put it right. I suggest a tax on finger nails to raise the necessary finance."

The king groaned.

The Home Secretary spoke up. "It is the Minister for Tourism’s job to look after things like that. Unfortunately, he is on holiday in Spain at present. I will have him arrested on his return."

The P.M. spoke again. "We will have to do something. The people are already beginning to blame you, sire."

This was not strictly true. The people never blamed the king when anything went wrong. They usually blamed either the Prime Minister of the Queen.

"Has Your Majesty any suggestions?" asked the P.M.

King Shilee did not know what to say and even less what to do. If he had, he would have been far too nervous to say or do it. He relied on the Queen, but she had not arrived yet.

Just as the silence grew embarrassingly long, the door opened and in rushed the heir to the throne, Prince Charmless. "I say, Pops, some rotter’s gone and knocked the top off the jolly old mountain what! A bit off, ain’t it? Oh I made a funny, haw, haw."

He collapsed on a chair and giggled at his own rather feeble humour. It was certainly no joke, for what he said was true. Somebody or something had taken the top off the Mountain as cleanly as you or I might take the top off a boiled egg.

[ideasguy]

A good start Eric.
It took me a while to work out the significance of each character as they were introduced
You do like to play with words, don't you

[Palustris]

Chapter Two


A Messy Continuation

To understand why this should be classed as A National Disaster, you need to understand something about the Kingdom of Dulanstufy. It only had one mountain. The rest of the country was as flat as a table top. The Mountain had no name as it was the only one. It stuck up right in the centre of the kingdom. There were no other mountains within hundreds of miles of it, which made it rather special.
The Dulanstuffians were tremendously proud of it. They hunted, walked, rode and picnicked in the woods on its lower slopes. They skied on its slopes in winter and climbed to its very top in summer. It was the envy of all the surrounding flat countries. In shape it was rather like the kind of thing a child would draw for a mountain, steep sides and coming to a point at the top. Now, though, the top of the Mountain was gone. It no longer had a point, it was flat!
The three politicians bowed to the Prince and waited for the king to speak.
"Er!" The king began nervously.
"Sire?" The three politicians chorused.
The king shook his head and wished that the Queen would hurry up and come. His wish was almost instantly granted. The door was flung open, by two footmen and in swept the Queen. A few paces behind her crept the Chief Lady in Waiting, Lady Sitenso. Lady Sitenso was one of those nervous women who was constantly wringing her hands and worrying. The Queen never worried and only wrung necks.
"Now, Shilee, what are you doing about this dreadful thing?"
Shilee shook his head.
"I see," snorted the Queen. "Nothing, as usual. Prime Minister, have you done anything yet?"
Sir Stabemin bowed and began to speak. "I, er, we, that is.."
"Typical, absolutely nothing, as usual. Really I don’t know why I bother with any of you. Ah well, my mother, God Rest Her soul, did warn me. But I would not listen."
This was how many of Queen Rawty’s speeches began. She then went on about how she could have married any one of a dozen princes, and so on and so on, but mostly on.
King Shilee had heard the speech many times before and did what he usually did. He slid down the throne, on to his hands and knees and began to crawl across the carpet towards the door. His escape was thwarted when the door was flung open and in marched a small, red faced person who tripped over the crawling king and fell to the floor.
Queen Rawty stopped complaining and turned to face the interruption. It took a little time for the king and the dwarf to untangle themselves from the rug and each other. The Queen stood tapping her foot impatiently. The expression on her face would have turned a charging bull into a meat cube. Shilee sighed and returned to the throne.
The dwarf had looked angry when he had flung open the door, but now he was too furious to even notice the Queen’s face.
"King Shortenstowt," he announced. "King of the Dwarves under the Mountain. I came here to find out what you have done to my mountain and what do I find? You are playing silly party games." He was shouting and for a small person he had a very loud voice.
Queen Rawty did not have to shout. "Your Mountain?" The ice in her voice would have put icicles on the fireplace. "It is OUR Mountain!"
"Pish!" The Dwarf said rather rudely. "Tush! Dwarves have lived under the Mountain since..."
"Since King Erly Retyrink gave you permission," the Queen finished for him. "You are only there because WE allow it."
King Shortenstowt took a deep breath, but Queen Rawty was now in full flow and about as easy to interrupt as a waterfall. "And if, anyone has damaged Our Mountain, it is you dwarfs with your digging away at it."
The Dwarf king was actually dancing with rage and spluttering so much he could not speak. Two guards were called and he was arrested. However, before he could be taken away there was another interruption. The door burst open again and in roared a huge, black bearded man. Around his waist was a wide belt. Stuck in this belt were no less than four pistols, (loaded) and two swords (sharp). In each hand he waved another pistol (loaded). He also had a dagger stuck down each boot, which cut terrible holes in his socks, much to his wife’s annoyance.
Queen Rawty was afraid of neither man nor beast. "How dare you burst in here like that?"
"Oh, that's easy. How else would you expect a robber to enter a Palace?" The man had a voice to match his appearance.
Lady Sitenso screamed, faintly. After all she did not want to draw attention to herself.
King Shilee shuddered and tried to hide in the cushions on the throne. The three Cabinet Ministers, hid behind Eet, behind the throne.
Two other men, smaller and not so heavily armed, sidled in. They stood by the door and looked sheepishly around.
The ruffian bowed and stood up again. "Nikitanrun, Robber Chief and Bandit Supreme, that’s me." He waved a hand towards his accomplices. "These are my lieutenants. Muggem and Rollem." They waved, looking rather foolish.
Queen Rawty was not impressed. "Peasants," she sneered. "We do not give audiences to the likes of you. Kindly remove yourself from our presence. This instant. And close the door behind you."
Nikit looked a little less brave now. The Queen sounded just like his wife and she scared he wits out of him. "I only came to find out who is responsible for dumping the Mountain top right across the front door to my hide out," he said.
When it had happened, Mrs. Nikit had ordered him to go to the Palace and complain. He had not wanted to, but when his wife gave orders it was best to follow them.
Queen Rawty was at her most haughty, "Another person living on OUR Mountain without our permission. Home Secretary, arrest that man."
Now the Home Secretary was very much in favour of having people thrown into prison. Indeed, he had recently given every prisoner in the kingdom a free pardon, so that he could have the pleasure of ordering them to be arrested and thrown into jail, all over again. However, he was not in favour of doing the actual arresting himself, especially when they were as big and fierce and heavily armed as Nikitanrun. Still, he too was more scared of the Queen. He stepped forward, "Ahem, you are under arrest for, er, um,er.....," but under the scornful gaze of the Queen and the scowl of the bandit, he could not think of a crime.
Queen Rawty began tapping her foot on the floor.
Desperately Mr. Anangem tried again. "I arrest you in the name of the king on a charge of er," He glanced out of the window. Rescue was at hand. Nikit and his gang had left their horses outside the Palace. "Ah! Illegal parking. I warn you that anything you say may be taken down and given in evidence."
"Hah!" Nikit was obviously not impressed.
"Hah!" The Queen was not impressed either.
The two guards, holding, the Dwarf king did not know whether to keep hold of him or to let him go and grab Nikit or what.
Prince Charmless, who was busy counting his fingers and getting a different answer each time, looked up and saw the room full of people. "Oh, I say, visitors, goody. Cream cakes."
The reason for this odd remark is quite simple, just like the Prince. Whenever the Palace had visitors, cream cakes were served with the morning coffee. Prince Charmless adored cream cakes.
Before anyone could move or speak Charmless reached for the Speaking tube on the wall behind his chair and ordered Cream cakes and coffee for sixteen. There were only fourteen in the room I know, but counting was not his strong point.
Queen Rawty began one of her tirades again. This was the one that began "Children!" and went on about how ungrateful they were and how her mother had warned her and so on.
Charmless took no notice. He lay back in the chair and thought about cream cakes.
Nikit listened to the Queen with his mouth open in awe. His wife could go on a bit, but the Queen was something special. His two henchmen tried to disappear into the wallpaper. When Mrs. Nikit went on like that it usually meant trouble for them and no doubt this would be the same.
The three Cabinet Ministers were all used to this sort of speech. They made their faces look interested while their brains emptied. They did this often in Cabinet meetings. It saved them from having to listen to a lot of boring speeches. The P.M. was so good at it, he often did not listen even when he was speaking himself.
Shortenstowt was not listening either. When the Queen had begun to speak, the two guards had stood to attention and as they were holding the dwarf’s arms this meant that he was lifted clean off the floor. Now he dangled two feet up in the air with his legs waving about.
King Shilee sighed and thought about escaping, but the room was too full. From bitter past experience he knew that once the Queen got started she could and would keep it up for a very very long time.
However, it was not to be. There was yet another interruption. This time though it was properly done. Two footmen flung open the doors, there was a fanfare of trumpets and the Royal Butler, Sup Ort appeared in the doorway. He bowed low, stood up and announced in a loud voice. "His Royal and Mighty Highness, the King of Tufanasty, His Gracious Majesty. King Proudlee Overberin." He stood aside and bowed low as a figure strode into the room.
Now as Queen Rawty was tall for a woman, King Proudlee was small for a man. What he lacked in inches he made up for in pride. He was the most pompous, boastful, big headed monarch in the world. Queen Rawty could not stand him. Neither could King Shilee. If the truth were told the only person who could be said to like King Proudlee was himself. He thought he was wonderful.
King Proudlee was often in a bad temper, but today he was very obviously angrier than ever before. His face was red and he was waving his arms about. The reason for this rage took some understanding. When he was angry King Proudlee spluttered. His speech sounded like an overfilled kettle spitting out water on to the fire.
This is what he said, with the spizzles and fizzles removed. "How dare you? You have deliberately spoiled my view. I have just finished building the finest Palace in the world with big windows in the throne room. Those windows gave me a perfect view of the Mountain. Now it is ruined. You have cut off the top of the Mountain because you are jealous of my Palace. I have never been so insulted in all my life. Unless you put it back, immediately I shall send my unbeatable army to invade you. Then I shall not only own the view I shall own the Mountain too."
King Proudlee pulled himself up to his full height, which was not very tall, and glared at King Shilee. That poor man burrowed even deeper into the cushions. He looked round for help from the Queen.
For perhaps the first time in her life the Queen was speechless. This unique situation did not last for long though. "YOUR view is it? How dare WE? The Mountain belongs to Dulanstufy and only those who live here are allowed to look at it. YOU will invade us? Unless you go home now and brick up your windows and promise never to look at OUR Mountain ever again, WE will invade you."
"Pah!" replied King Proudlee. "Your rotten little army would get lost on the way. Since it is obvious that have done this just to spite me. I will return to Tufanasty to prepare my army. You have ten days to put the Mountain top back where it should be."
Queen Rawty looked down on him. "WE will give you ten days in which to brick up your windows or we will invade YOU."
"Yah boo." said Prince Charmless, taking notice for the second time. "And, and." He could think of anything else to say, which is perhaps a good thing.
If Proudlee had heard this he might well have exploded with rage, but he had during Queen Rawty’s last speech pulled his crown down over his ears. It was now stuck. It was a good job that everyone in the room was too busy arguing to see Proudlee’s efforts to remove his crown. They might well have laughed at him and that would never have been forgiven.
It was no use, the crown was stuck fast. In the end his two bodyguards, Lord Tobig Forisboots and Lord Fulo De Otair had to help. One held the king round his waist and the other held the crown. Then they tugged. King Proudlee’s head came out like a cork out of a bottle. Lord Tobig fell over backwards, knocking over Rollem and Muggem. Muggem kept his head in the scramble and helped himself to Tobig’s wallet.
The King and Lord Fulo bounced across the room and straight into the Footman who had just come into the room with a tray of cream cakes as ordered by Prince Charmless. The footman went down, the tray of cakes went up. Things which go up generally have to come down again and so the cream cakes came down.
Mrs. Overboylanbern was famous throughout all the surrounding Kingdoms for the size of her cakes and the amount of cream she managed to get in them. Just because there was a National Disaster was not a good enough reason, in her opinion, to be any less generous than usual. These were cream cakes of the first order.
One landed on King Proudlee’s bald head. An awful truth had come out. King Proudlee wore a wig. It had come off with his crown. He spluttered and tried to wipe away the sticky mess with Lord Fulo’s sleeve.
Another cake landed on the back of Queen Rawty’s neck. She clapped her hand to the spot, twirled around, squashed cream cake in her hand and saw King Proudlee with a cream covered hand. Of course she jumped to the wrong conclusion.
Her aim was, for once, not very good. The cream cake that she flung at King Proudlee hit the Prime Minister in the face. He had not been paying attention. He saw the cream on Lord Fulo’s sleeve. He wiped the cake from his face and threw it at that gentleman. Before you could say Dulanstufy or Tufanasty, everybody was throwing cream cakes. Prince Charmless squealed with delight and sent for more ammunition.
Not everybody joined in. King Shilee took his chance and escaped in the confusion. Eet knew that it was not his place to throw things at such important people. He merely bowed and thanked those who hit him. He also ate those cakes as well.
Shortenstowt had taken refuge on the throne, using one of the cushions as a shield. King Proudlee, bald and crownless stood behind his bodyguards, ready to fight off any more attacks. Nikit, Rollem and Muggem had taken refuge behind an upturned table. Queen Rawty was stood in the middle of the room, looking like a half melted marble statue. She was far too proud to hide. The soldiers were huddled in a corner, trying to hide behind their helmets. Eet was in another corner feeling very sick. He had eaten an awful lot of cakes. The others were in various parts of the room, trying to find hiding places.
Prince Charmless, the only person who had really enjoyed himself, was sat on the arm of his chair, as if it was a horse. "What fun!" He shrieked. "What..glooop!" The last cream cake hit him in the face and he fell over sideways on to the chair and lay giggling and waving his legs in the air.
Now, if you or I had been involved in such a cream cake slinging match, we would probably have stood and laughed at the end of it Queen Rawty and King Proudlee were still far too angry to see anything funny in the situation. Proudlee fished around in the cream until he found his crown. He stuck it on his head and stormed out followed by his bodyguards. They made a remarkable sight, all covered in cream. The wig was never found. It is entirely possible that Eet ate it.
While nobody was looking Shortenstowt waded through the debris and escaped. The three robbers left through the window. They did not need to, but they felt better. They were not used to entering and leaving palaces through the doors.
Queen Rawty swept out of the room, as tall and proud as ever, leaving a trail of cream along the corridor, up the stairs and into her bathroom. Lady Sitenso followed. She had avoided most of the cream cakes by the simple method of hiding underneath the Queen’s skirt. Blonden rushed after them to run the Queen’s bath.
The three Cabinet Ministers squelched their ways home, unhappily wondering what their wives were going to say and what they were going to do about the National Disaster and the probable war. What their wives said to them was long loud and certainly not to be repeated in polite company.
The poor soldiers were left behind in the throne room. Eet had cleared off to be sick and Charmless had wandered away for a bath. The poor soldiers did not know what to do. They were not very good at thinking for themselves, only at following orders. Even then the orders had to be simple ones, shouted very loudly at them by their sergeant. No one had given them any orders. They began to empty the cream out of the window, using their helmets as buckets.
Soon every cat in the kingdom had invaded the Palace, licking up and fighting over the cream. Of course every dog in the kingdom then came to chase every cat in the kingdom.
It took a great deal of time and all the army to get rid of the animals and a whole mob of cleaners to get rid of the cream and mess left by the animals. The only good thing that came out of it was that the Palace never gain suffered from mice.

[Palustris]

 

Chapter Three

 

The Days Pass

 

            King Shilee had crept out of the throne room when the battle had begun and gone to see his friend Sir Lite Ovand, the Court Magician. They remained locked away during the commotion and subsequent clean up.

"It is my fault, Sire. I am sorry to say. " Sir Lite had confessed to the King. "I was trying to take the top off the Queen’s egg. I must have got it wrong somewhere."

"You’d better find a way of putting it back before Proudlee invades or we invade him." Shilee sounded as miserable as he felt.

Sir Lite was a very poor magician. He only kept his position at Court because Shilee did not feel shy with him. They sat deep in thought until the gong went to call them for their evening meal.

Hurriedly the king went and changed. Queen Rawty hated to be kept waiting. Food was important and so there was no conversation during meals. After they had eaten, there was a concert given by the Dulanstufy National Youth Orchestra conducted by Mr. Wave De Baton with soloist Miss Tinkle De Kees. Then it was bed time.

Next morning King Shilee did his usual archery practice. He was even worse than ever.

Then he was summoned to the throne room where the Queen was busy drawing up plans for the war. With her was the P.M. and the leaders of the Army, General Mayhem and Colonel Bludngutz.

Queen Rawty was still in a bad mood. Her breakfast egg had not been opened properly and she had had to get up early. King Shilee sat on the throne after removing a stray cat, which had somehow managed to escape the cleaning. The king listened unhappily with mounting horror to the discussions.

Eventually all the plans were planned and the audience over. The military men bowed to the king and left to prepare the Army. Shilee was allowed to leave. Sir Lite was studying his books of Spells. There were lots of books most of them not opened for years. The two men were soon covered in dust and cobwebs.

The next day the Home Secretary brought news that Nikitanrun had started a crime wave, which he said would last until the Mountain top was removed from the entrance to his hideout. Really he went out robbing just to get away from his wife’s constant nagging.

Still the Magician could not find a spell.

On the third day, the Chancellor reported that someone had tunneled into the vault of the National Bank of Dulanstufy and removed all the government’s gold. Later a message came from Shortenstowt to the effect that he would return the gold when the Mountain top was restored.

Still the Magician could not find a spell.

On the fourth day King Proudlee sent a message to remind them that he would invade in six days time, as the Mountain top was still not back in place. Queen Rawty sent a very rude reply.

Still the magician could not find a spell.

So the days passed and as they did King Shilee grew more and more desperate. Queen Rawty’s temper was not improved by still finding bits of eggshell in her breakfast egg. Sir Lite grew frantic and tried every spell he could find with some very odd results. I mean, have you ever seen blue and yellow striped horses or stood with your nose pressed against the window watching it rain, left shoes?

The only person who seemed to be unaffected by the crisis was Prince Charmless. He had fallen in love.

Browsing through a magazine, 'Eligible Brides for Eligible Princes’ he had found the princess he wished to marry. Unfortunately he had been eating a chocolate éclair at the time and had put a large chocolate stain on the name of the Princess’s parent’s and kingdom. All that he knew was her name, Princess Soweren Asty. He spent the days mooching around with her picture cut from the magazine clutched to his heart. Everyone was far too busy with preparations for the coming war to take any notice of him.

[Palustris]

Chapter Four

 

An Important Visitor

            On the ninth day there was a visitor to Dulanstufy. The visit had been arranged for a long time, but in the excitement everyone had forgotten. The visitor was The Great Panjandrum of Sortitowt. He arrived sat on a huge elephant. He wore a long flowing, brightly coloured robe and a white turban.

It was some time before a guard of honour could be collected and the proper greeting given to such an important ruler. Poor Mrs. Overboylanbern had to stop making rations for the soldiers and prepare a banquet. King Shilee and Queen Rawty greeted the Panjandrum in the throne room. Despite all the cleaning and redecorating, it still smelt vaguely of sour cream and cats. If the G.P. noticed he was far too polite to mention it.

"Welcome to Dulanstufy," smiled King Shilee. Queen Rawty, curtsied (slightly). Even though The G.P.’s country was far and away bigger and more powerful than Dulanstufy, she was far too haughty to curtsey low.

"A thousand greetings from my humble kingdom to you and yours." The G.P. bowed (slightly). "May the light of the sun shine on you and yours forever."

"May the moon always give you pleasant dreams." King Shilee knew the correct thing to say. He had looked it up in his book. ’Greeting Foreign Heads of State’.

There was a short silence, the book had not said what to say next and Shilee could not think of anything to add.

"Would you like some tea?" Queen Rawty was as you know rarely stuck for words.

"Most gracious, yes indeed," beamed the G.P. "It is thirsty work riding on the back of an elephant. But people expect it and I do so hate to disappoint."

The tea came and the three sat down to drink it.

"Shall I be mother?" Queen Rawty asked.

"Congratulations." said The G.P. misunderstanding.

"No, no, no," replied the Queen, blushing furiously. "I meant, ‘Shall I pour the tea?"

"A thousand pardons." The G.P. rose and bowed

"Milk?" The Queen asked.

"No thank-you." replied the G.P.

"Sugar?"

"Indeed, no thank-you," replied The G.P.

Queen Rawty poured The G.P. a cup of tea and gave it to him. He took it and frowned. "A thousand pardons, Oh majestic Queen. I hesitate to impose on your gracious hospitality, but in my country we take our tea with a slice of lemon."

A footman was sent for slices of lemon while the Queen apologised for the oversight, blaming it on recent unfortunate events. She did not say what they were and chattered on gaily about this and that.

Prince Charmless missed this serving of cream cakes. He had been sent away to join the army.

When tea was over, the Queen ordered Shilee to show the G.P. around the Palace and gardens. Shilee did as he was told, finally arriving at the archery target.

For the first time The G.P. showed more than polite interest. To Shilee’s horror, the G.P. suggested a match. There was no way of getting out of it. The bows were sent for. Eet brought King Shilee’s and The G.P.’s servant Grovel brought his.

The two servants bowed to the respective masters and went to take up their normal positions. Unfortunately there was not enough room behind the target for both of them. Eet bowed to Grovel. Grovel bowed to Eet. Eet waved Grovel to stand behind the target. Grovel declined and waved Eet to take his place.

This bowing and gesturing might possibly have gone on for a long time if the two monarchs had not ordered their servants to stand still. They bowed to their masters once again, bowed to each other and stood side by side behind the target. The garden bird took up their customary positions twittering to themselves. The rulers walked to the shooting mark.

If you had the impression that King Shilee was the worst archer in the world then you had better change your mind. The G.P. was worse. He was very short sighted, but refused to wear glasses. He could not see the target. Normally Grovel shouted "Fire" when the G.P. was facing the right direction. His was another reason why he was such a bad shot, but did not know it. Grovel would shout "Fire" when the G.P. was facing a safe direction and then stick an arrow in the target. He found it a lot safer that way. He picked up the arrows after and so both he and the G.P. enjoyed the archery more that way.

As both Monarchs were very polite, both decided, privately, that they would allow the other to win. After much after you and no after you, a coin was tossed. The G.P. called it correctly and invited Shilee to go first. Shilee took aim, intending his arrow to just hit the outside of the target.

As usual, he missed, but not by very much. The arrow caught a loose piece of Grovel’s turban and carried on down the garden. If Grovel had not spun round, his head may well have unscrewed itself from his neck. The spinning round left the poor man dizzy.

"A good shot," said the G.P., not having a clue where the arrow had gone, nor noticing the condition of his bare headed servant.

It was The G.P.’s turn. Grovel was so dizzy that he could not see straight and called "Fire, Oh great one," without really knowing where The G.P. was facing. The G.P. let go of the arrow. It sped straight and true right into the centre of the target. Eet was bending down trying to roll up the turban. The arrow point came through the target and nudged Eet as he bent. He gave a yelp and stood up rubbing the afflicted spot.

The garden birds fled, never to sit on the target again.

"A great shot, Sir," shouted Shilee. "A bull’s eye!"

The contest continued, but since neither ruler managed to hit the target again, the G.P. was declared the winner. This pleased all of them. Shilee because his guest had won, The G.P. because it was the first time he had managed a bull’s eye and the two servants because they had survived, mostly unhurt.

As the two smiling rulers made their way back to the Palace for dinner, a company of soldiers marched past, saluting the king smartly as they did.

"Most noble looking warriors," murmured The G.P. "You seem to be preparing for war, my friend."

We are," replied Shilee, all the pleasure of the Archery contest fading away. He explained it all to The G.P. finishing with. "I don’t want a war, but the Queen insists and you know what Proudlee’s like." He sighed

"Indeed, yes, a most difficult man." The G.P. shook his head. "It would be a shame if your two illustrious countries came to blows. Perhaps my small amount of wisdom would be able to bring about peace."

"I wish you would. But first you would have to find a way of putting the Mountain top back where it should be. King Shilee gestured in the direction of the topless peak.

"Mmmm, yes I had wondered about that." The G.P. was very polite.

King Shilee went on. "And if you can get the Queen and Proudlee to agree, Ill....I’ll eat an elephant."

"So be it!" The G.P. bowed. "Now if you would be so kind, I think a bath and a change of clothes before dinner."

King Shilee bowed back and the two men parted company.

[Palustris]

Chapter Five

Almost War

The tenth day dawned. Shilee woke early, realised what day it was and tried to crawl back under the sheets. It was no use, though, there was no escape. Queen Rawty was already up and dressed and in a foul mood. Her breakfast egg was still not being opened properly. She had no intention of letting the army go off to war without her. Besides she had armour made just for such an occasion. Blonden helped the Queen put it on. Later she remarked to the cook that it made the Queen look like an outsize tin of corned beef.

King Shilee put on his armour. He felt too ill to eat any breakfast at all. Then it was time to go.

In Tufanasty, King Proudlee was already on the road with his army marching towards Dulanstufy. He liked a nice early start, then it could be all over in time for a decent lunch.

Perhaps I ought to describe the armies. Dulanstufy had one Field Marshall, two generals, three majors, four lieutenants, eight sergeants, sixteen corporals and sixty-five soldiers, plus Prince Charmless, making one hundred men in all. Tufanasty had two generals, four captains, eight lieutenants, eight ensigns, eight sergeants, eight corporals and sixty-three soldiers, making one hundred and one men.

Shilee had only a small army because he had no intention of ever fighting anybody ever. The soldiers were mainly kept for guard duty and show.

Proudlee had only a small army because no-one wanted to fight for him.

So one hundred and three Dulanstuffians marched on Tufanasty and one hundred and three Tufanastians marched on Dulanstufy. Before you get your fingers and brains tied in knots the three extra Dulanstuffians were King Shilee, Queen Rawty and Sir Lite. The two extra Tufanastians were King Proudlee and his daughter.

It might seem a strange place to find a princess, going to fight a war, but this princess was no ordinary, empty headed, pretty little, fluffy toy doll of a king’s daughter. One, she was not empty headed. Her head was probably solid bone all the way through. Two, she was not sweet. There was nothing she liked more than fighting and battles, the more blood the better. Small and pretty? Well that depends on you. If you like double decker buses, then you may have found her attractive. She was not much smaller than a ‘bus either. As for being a fluffy toy doll, then only if you have a life sized grizzly bear sharing your life could you say that. I have not mentioned her name yet either. It was Princes Soweren Asty.

Yes, I know, you have heard that name before, somewhere. You remember, that, that was the name of the Princess for whom Charmless had fallen. As you may have gathered, Charmless was not very bright.

The march of the armies did not last very long and since there was only one road between the two kingdoms, the two armies met at the border. Well, almost met that is. The road was blocked.

Stood in the middle of the road was a very large elephant. Sat on the elephant was The Great Panjandrum of Sortitowt. Now he was such a powerful ruler of a large country that he never travelled anywhere without a small part of his army, five hundred men in all. These solders were spread out on either side of the road making it impossible for either side to get at each other to begin fighting.

King Shilee was very pleased, but Queen Rawty and King Proudlee were furious. Prince Soweren was very disappointed. Prince Charmless was thankful. It was all very well getting dressed up in armour and practising using a sword on a dummy, but to go into battle where somebody was going to actually try to stick a sword in you, that was very different. Charmless had decided that he was going to hide behind his mother. Nobody would dare to attack her. Besides he did not want to fight. He wanted to find his princess.

A trumpet sounded and a herald invited the leaders of both sides to partake of morning coffee in the Great Panjandrum's Pavilion. Nobody dared refuse. Soon both royal families were drinking their coffee and munching arrowroot biscuits, though at separate tables and without speaking.

When the coffee was drunk the discussions began. The G.P. spoke first. "Correct me if I am wrong, but let me see if I understand the situation correctly. King Proudlee is upset because the top has come off the Mountain and spoiled his view."

Proudlee nodded and glared at Queen Rawty.

"King Shilee is upset because the Mountain belongs to him and he does not want anyone else to look at it."

King Shilee shook his head. He did not care who looked at the Mountain. Queen Rawty nodded and glared at King Proudlee.

"The Dwarf King, Shortenstowt, is upset because the Mountain top is the roof of his home. I also believe that a certain Robber, Nikitanrun is angry because he cannot get into his hideout."

Everyone agreed that the G.P. had summed up the situation perfectly.

"A thousand thanks for your patience in listening to me, "said the G.P. "But now, with your kind permission. I have one or two questions to ask."

They could not refuse.

"King Proudlee first then,"

Queen Rawty frowned at that, but the G.P. gave here such a charming smile that she did not argue.

"Would you take your brave and fearsome army home if the Mountain was put back?"

King Proudlee thought for a moment. "If the, huh, Dulanstufy army, hah, go home and the Mountain is repaired then I will march my unbeatable force home again."

The G.P. bowed "A most wise decision."

Queen Rawty sniffed.

The G.P. turned to King Shilee. "Would you object if a member of your family was to look at the Mountain?"

Queen Rawty looked puzzled, but shook her head. Shilee shook his. All he wanted was peace and quiet.

"So, if Proudlee was related to you, HE could look at the Mountain?"

Shilee nodded.

"But he’s not related," protested the Queen. "So I don’t see how that helps."

The G.P. smiled and pointed with his chin. In his country it was considered very rude to point with a finger and as you know the G.P. was very polite.

The monarchs turned to look. Prince Charmless and Princess Soweren had found each other. They were sat gazing into each others eyes. They had much in common. They both liked blood as long as it was other people's, cream cakes, banquets, but best of all, they were both as stupid as each other.

The G.P. suggested that if the young people married then Shilee would be related, by marriage. Without waiting for the Queen, Shilee agreed. Proudlee was rather pleased to see his daughter married off. She made him feel small and she cost a fortune to feed.

"But," someone pointed out. "The Mountain top is still off."

"Aaah," said the G.P. "I hope nobody minds, but my Magician, the Great Ind has been working with Sir Lite. They tell me that they should be ready to do something about the Mountain top at any time."

A servant entered the Pavilion and whispered something in the G.P.’s ear.

"Indeed, if you would care to step outside now, they appear to be ready."

They all went outside. It was a beautiful clear day and the Mountain could be seen, topless in the morning sun.

The Great Ind, dressed in fine robes, stepped forward. This was not his real name, that was Ian Ropetric and he came from Manchester. He chanted a spell full of arm waving and strange words. The air round the Mountain shimmered and slowly the top returned to its rightful place. Everyone cheered.

The marriage took place straight away, before the couple could change their minds. The ceremony was performed by the Archbishop of Tufanasty. The Right Reverend Loudly Preechin. King Proudlee gave the pair an empty castle to live in. Shilee and Queen Rawty gave them the furniture. The G.P. gave them a pair of Elephants. That caused a few problems, but the roses round the Castle were the biggest and best in the area.

King Shortenstowt returned the gold and also solved the Queen’s breakfast egg problem. He suggested that she had her egg poached. The Queen was so delighted she ordered Shilee to give the dwarfs the right to live under the Mountain for ever.

Nikitanrun had made so much money from the latest crime wave that he decided to retire. Later he found this rather boring, but Shilee found the perfect job for a man of his talents. He made him the Chief of Police.

During the Wedding Banquet, The G.P. stood up and announced that King Shilee had promised to eat an elephant if peace could be made between Dulanstufy and Tufanasty.

"Now is the time for King Shilee to eat his words.”

The G.P. clapped his hands. The door to the Banqueting Hall opened and in staggered four huge serving men, carrying the largest silver tray anyone had ever seen. King Shilee went white. He did not think he could manage to eat a whole elephant.

The tray was placed on the table and the cover removed. In the centre was a perfect miniature elephant made from icing sugar.

Shilee gave a sigh of relief and began to laugh.

 

 

 

[ideasguy]

I can retire for the evening quite relieved in the knowledge that peace has been restored Eric!
Maybe it was also the spirit of Christmas

Some great lines there - all very subtle of course!

One, she was not empty headed. Her head was probably solid bone all the way through

Yip, I like that

The G.P. gave them a pair of Elephants. That caused a few problems, but the roses round the Castle were the biggest and best in the area.

Nice one- fertile minded gardeners will understand THAT!

James and I have some book binding to do
I'll take a photo.

[Palustris]

My eldest has offered to have the book he made of my early stories reprinted, now that I have edited them a bit better. He also offered to make o new book of the newer tales. I might take him up on it, but the new ones need to be gone through with a fine tooth comb for typing errors.

[ideasguy]

That's good news Eric

I can see how you intended your books to be inspirational to budding authors among your young students.
The stories provoke thought and conversation when read together to fully appreciate the content.
They are amusing and witty