Author Topic: Garden funnies (Read 44005 times)

bossgard · « **Reply #50 on:** June 10, 2008, 03:41:28 AM »

DAFFY DEFINITION #35

GREENHOUSE: Many people have found that a greenhouse provides a solace in our increasingly difficult world. A mean-spirited employer, a shrewish spouse, a persistent creditor, a meddlesome in-law ? they all seem to disappear as the happy gardener putters around among his oleanders, nightshade, mistletoe, mandrake, hemlock, and foxglove, diligently crushing the glossy leaves and brightly colored berries to produce the jams and jellies for which he is justly noted or selecting from among his orchids, jasmine, camellias, and gardenias a few blossoms for the tasteful funeral sprays that garner him so much praise. In time, magically, his problems fade away, and he is left in tranquil solitude surrounded by his generous and uncomplaining botanical companions. ? H.B. & R. McK.

- Toby

bossgard · « **Reply #51 on:** June 11, 2008, 05:00:13 PM »

DAFFY DEFINITION #36

ROOT: 1. Subsurface part of a weed that is inadvertently left in the ground when the upper portion of the plant is removed, thus resulting in the weed?s speedy re-growth. 2. Subsurface part of an ornamental, or tree, a small portion of which is inadvertently left in the ground when the specimen is transplanted, thus resulting in the plant?s rapid death.?H.B. & R. & McK.

- Toby

bossgard · « **Reply #52 on:** June 12, 2008, 03:35:24 AM »

DAFFY DEFINITION #37

BORDER: Strip of ground that divides the area where the shrubs were from the place where the lawn will be with a neat row of plastic markers indicating where the flowers would have been. ? H.B. & R. McK.

- Toby

bossgard · « **Reply #53 on:** June 13, 2008, 05:55:42 PM »

DAFFY DEFINITION #38

ROOF GARDEN: Garden on a penthouse or terrace of an urban apartment. Because of increasingly harsh conditions in most cities, the only reliable products of roof gardens are the common house leak (Gypsum dicoloratum) and the resulting rhubarb with the neighbor below. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

bossgard · « **Reply #54 on:** June 16, 2008, 05:54:28 PM »

DAFFY DEFINITION #39

HERBS: Widely grown and valuable plants useful as flavorings and preservatives. It?s hard to agree on the most popular, but certainly a good candidate is sweet basil. The best-known variety is Rathbone basil, or wild Sherlock, a highly aromatic plant on the basis of a very small whiff of whose pungent, peppery odor expelled from the oral cavity during a speech, mingled with a hint of garlic, it is possible to deduce that the interlocutor has recently eaten Italian potato dumplings in small cellar restaurant with a picture of the Bay of Naples on the wall. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

bossgard · « **Reply #55 on:** June 17, 2008, 04:39:35 AM »

DAFFY DEFINITION #40

KEY: 1. Light, wing-shaped fruit from maple trees which, when dropped on the ground and buried under a shallow layer of soil, results in a new tree. 2. Light brass or steel object which, when dropped on the ground and buried under a shallow layer of soil, results in a new padlock, a new hasp, and some new window glass. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

bossgard · « **Reply #56 on:** June 18, 2008, 03:58:04 AM »

DAFFY DEFINITION #41

IMPATIENS: Fast-blooming flower. Plant it. Water it. It grows, it blooms. Bango, it makes seeds. It wilts. It dies. No hanging around for dirty tubers to form. No years of waiting for showy growth, fancy fruit. You got time on your hands, plant an acorn and lay in some Proust. You want quick results, impatiens is your baby. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

ideasguy · « **Reply #57 on:** June 18, 2008, 09:29:06 AM »

Hooray!
Its great to see those guys have discovered that gardening is not an impossibility after all. Nice to see they have managed to grow at least ONE plant

Can we optimistically predict that the book has a happy ending?

bossgard · « **Reply #58 on:** June 19, 2008, 04:24:32 AM »

George: From what I can tell, the two gardener authors have a very happy ending to their book. I took a peak, and they do get to the letter ?Z?. And I have also been told, that their respective gardens survived the whole ordeal of them writing the book, and remnants of both gardens still exist today and are open to the general public to enjoy the rare specimens of Impatiens that they grew.

- Toby

bossgard · « **Reply #59 on:** June 19, 2008, 04:27:15 AM »

DAFFY DEFINITION #42

SUNDIAL: Ornamental garden clock that indicates the time by means of a shadow cast by a pointer onto a dial marked with numerals. Most sundials have inscriptions: The common ones are ?Make Haste While the Sun Shines,? ?Tempus Fugit.? and ?Out of Order? ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

bossgard · « **Reply #60 on:** June 20, 2008, 03:58:40 AM »

DAFFY DEFINITION #43

DOWSING: The use of a forked twig, brass rod, or other objects to locate and obtain sources of money from individuals who believe that sources of water can be located and obtained through the use of a forked twig, brass rod, or other object. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

bossgard · « **Reply #61 on:** June 23, 2008, 05:02:18 PM »

DAFFY DEFINITION #44

ROTARY MOWER: Gasoline-powered metal detector used to locate misplaced trowels, shears, and hose nozzles in tall grass. The machine indicates a ?contact? by giving off a loud WHINNNNG! sound, and then immediately stalling. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

bossgard · « **Reply #62 on:** June 24, 2008, 03:46:58 AM »

DAFFY DEFINITION: #45

BERRY: Small fruit produced by a variety of flowering bushes and shrubs, some wild, some cultivated. Most are edible and delicious, but a few are extremely toxic. How can you tell them apart? There is an easy rule of thumb: Look for telltale ?clustering? in a pale green or gray cardboard box with a cellophane covering and a distinctive reddish rubber band. Berries with those features are always safe to eat. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

NightHawk · « **Reply #63 on:** June 24, 2008, 05:20:50 PM »

Quote from: bossgard on June 23, 2008, 05:02:18 PM

DAFFY DEFINITION #44

ROTARY MOWER: Gasoline-powered metal detector used to locate misplaced trowels, shears, and hose nozzles in tall grass. The machine indicates a “contact” by giving off a loud WHINNNNG! sound, and then immediately stalling. – H.B. & R.McK.
- Toby

Well, we got a new electric-powered cylinder mower delivered today. Our previous mower was an electric hover type, and it blew all the grass cuttings into our beautiful borders. It was a nightmare to clear the borders afterwards, and it was driving me nuts.

Took it out for its first 'spin' today on the rear garden and it performed marvellously.

The grass was a bit long as we'd not been able to garden for a few days because of the bad weather. Didn't find any lost trowels or other gardening implements I'm glad to say.

Laurie.

bossgard · « **Reply #64 on:** June 25, 2008, 03:39:09 AM »

DAFFY DEFINITION #46

KUDZU: Extraordinarily fast-growing vine accidentally introduced into the U.S., probably from China. There are the inevitable stories of kudzu plants growing in through open windows and suddenly grasping the unwary, but they must be apocryphal. No plant gould possiblgll gckl gng-- -- H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

ideasguy · « **Reply #65 on:** June 25, 2008, 09:37:21 AM »

Gosh, I thought there was a happy ending!!
Have they been consumed by the Kudzu?

NightHawk · « **Reply #66 on:** June 25, 2008, 09:39:30 AM »

That plant sounds more like a Triffid to me - scary stuff

Laurie.

bossgard · « **Reply #67 on:** June 26, 2008, 03:40:43 AM »

DAFFY DEFINTION #47

TOPIARY: The art of pruning and shearing plants so that they resemble animals. It is not as difficult to master as you might think. The key is the choice of subject. Avoid deer, swans, giraffes, and bears. Concentrate your efforts on depicting sponges, porcupines, frightened turtles, and sleeping hedgehogs. ? H.B. & R.McK.

- Toby

P.S. Looks like summer has hit the Pacific Northwest (Seattle, WA-USA) this week, have had beautiful sun shiny weather, temperatures predicted for coming weekend are 84-85 degrees F., which is a little on the warm side for us. Irrigation for the gardens is usually necessary. When it hits the 90?s, then we head for cover. Wonder what the temperatures will be for the July 4th (Independence Day) Holiday Weekend? That is THE Summer Holiday for us!

bossgard · « **Reply #68 on:** June 27, 2008, 03:30:30 AM »

DAFFY DEFINITION #48

PINKS: A significant group of garden flowers, of which far and away the favorite is Sweet William. Lovers of this old-fashioned beauty will be happy to know that several new varieties are now available, including the rather dull but very hardy ?Agreeable Roger?; the fast-spreading, almost weedlike ?Boring George?; and for sour soils, the sturdy hybrids ?Nasty Frank? and ?Bitchy Susan.? ? H.B. & R. McK.

- Toby

(George, do you suppose H.B. & R.McK., are talking about you in the above. Do these guys know you? I could see calling a Sweet William ?Agreeable George?, but certainly not ?Boring George?! George Kelly certainly is not BORING, he doesn?t stand still long enough! Hey, Forum members, if we could find a new plant introduction that we can name ?Agreeble George?, what kind of plant should it be?)

NightHawk · « **Reply #69 on:** June 27, 2008, 06:05:21 AM »

Well, I could suggest a Lupin.

They stand tall and proud and cope with 'stormy weather' magnificently.

That sounds like George to me.

This suggestion is prompted by the dwarf 'Gallery Yellow' Lupin in our front garden, which I have showcased on the Forum recently, that got through a recent bout of wind and rain and was still looking good -
(see http://www.flowergenie.co.uk/ideas/forum/index.php/topic,654.0.html ).

A good start I think

Laurie.

NightHawk · « **Reply #70 on:** August 02, 2008, 11:04:33 AM »

Toby

Just had to let you know that I couldn't wait to hear all of those definitions, so I've managed to acquire a copy of that book you refer to as your source.

Got it through Amazon.co.uk for 1 penny (plus £2.75 postage), and arrived today.

This is the book cover, which I presume is the same as yours.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Laurie.

NightHawk · « **Reply #71 on:** August 02, 2008, 05:51:16 PM »

In fact Toby, just to keep you company on this, I'll just post this definition which 'tickled my fancy'

SCAB: Disorder in plants caused by fungi.
SCALD: Disorder in plants caused by excessive sunlight.
SCALE: Disorder in plants caused by sucking insects.
SCORCH: Disorder in plants caused by drought.
SCREAMING MEEMIES: Disorder in gardeners caused by observing the effects of scab, scald, scale, and scorch.

- Courtesy of: Henry Beard & Roy McKie

Laurie.

NightHawk · « **Reply #72 on:** August 28, 2008, 08:31:23 AM »

Toby, Toby, Toby - it's good to have you back with us again on the Forum, you've been greatly missed my friend.

I recalled you'd mentioned a hiking trip a while back, but when you'd dropped off our radar for so long we were getting concerned about you. Thinking you'd maybe fallen down a sink-hole in the Amazon rain forest, or been kidnapped by Pygmies, and held to ransom for that Daffy Definition book you've been famously connected with.

Thankfully you survived unscathed to tell the tale.

I hope you liked the Daffy Definition I posted. It was a tribute to your absence and a way of keeping the Daffy's flame kindling.

Laurie.

P.S. George forwarded your email to me as you requested, which I was so relieved to read. Glad you had a great time.

bossgard · « **Reply #73 on:** August 28, 2008, 05:11:43 PM »

Laurie:

Thanks, for the welcome back, it?s just that with the crazy weather we have been having this past year, something had to give, and I had to stick with the vegetable garden that I share with some of my friends, and now it is producing.
Talking about sinking down in the Amazon rain forest or something like that, the lousy weather we have been having in this part of the planet has been very, very hard on the areas that are open to the public for hiking purposes. Real heavy damages, with trails completely destroyed by snow avalanches, slides of trees and mud from hill sides, flooding, all that kind of stuff. We were heading for an old mining town way up there, and the first thing we came across was a massive mud slide wiping out the trail, they had cut through it, but we went as far as we could go and turned around and came back. As I understand several youths out hiking were caught in another slide in that same area this past week. Danger signs are posted all over the place.
That particular area is known as Issaquah Alps (Cascade Mountain Range, Mount Rainier), which people say reminds them of the Swiss Alps. Have never seen the Swiss Alps, but Issaquah is very, very beautiful.
Since this is a Gardening Forum, I had better say that this lousy weather has certainly wrecked havoc with planting and caring for the vegetable garden, and stopped any plans that I had made for the Flower Beds. The high winds and heavy rain wiped out any good specimens that I had. But all is not lost, it has been a very ?learning? year, and am eager to get back working with the Forum and Pro, need to enter an awful lot of data, but the software has certainly been an asset, and the GA048 that George and I have been working on, has been very successful, what a blessing to have it all. Thanks to you, George, and to you all.
More later.
-Toby
P.S. Today?s weather, cloudy and rain!

NightHawk · « **Reply #74 on:** August 28, 2008, 05:17:47 PM »

Thanks for that Toby.

I'm glad you avoided the worst of that carnage.

I thought we were getting lousy weather here, but it pales in comparison to what you've just described.

Anyway, we must all make the best of what we have and take the gardening challenges head on.

Break yourself in gently Toby, the Forum's just glad to see you back safe and well.

Laurie.

Author Topic: Garden funnies (Read 44005 times)

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